Revelation

"If your body cannot support its self, it cannot support another".

This comment by my dietician Stephanie a couple of weeks ago hit a nerve, a nerve that has slowly been niggling me ever since....

Have I really been treating my body that poorly!?

How do you know when you are 'healthy'?
How do you know when your body is functioning to it's full potential?

These questions have plagued me for quite some time and I don't know if they will ever truly be answered.

What I do know is that at the peak of my ED I barely functioned. While I had taught my self not to feel 'hunger', I sure as anything felt fatigue, lethargy, anxiety and depression...

I also know that I no longer feel these things to the extent that I once did BUT they still raise their head on a regular basis (OFTEN). I can now feel hunger, but some times I get confused between anxiety in the stomach, boredom and hunger. I still punish myself by abstaining from food and reward myself by eating. Just differently to how I once did.

Revelation: I have an extremely unhealthy relationship with food. I fear fat. I fear sugar.
I googled 'omega 3 deficiency' (self diagnosing, I know) and surprise, surprise, I have every symptom listed.

So why am I telling you about my revelation? Because this blog cannot just be about they journey my husband and I are taking to have a baby. There is no baby because I am not looking after my body the way I should be, therefore this blog is about the journey, the roller coaster, the horror movie of  me, realising that to have a baby, I must look after myself.

I just have to work out how the hell to do that...